Heart in Limbo

I look into the mirror of my heart.. It has expanded into a kaleidoscope of what I was and what I may be. Hope and disappointment are the halls of its infinite corridors. Both intermingle in an intertwined relationship of falsehood and attachment. What was once thought to be pure and an untouchable essence of Love is now tainted on the outskirts by the invaders of doubt and assumption. These invaders have overthrown my vision and tortured its sight to one of resentment and hatred. I look at the world.. I look into the eyes of countless hearts and souls.. I see emptiness. I see repetitive, unoriginal fear.. A fear in all that is not embraced but avoided and denied. In its place.. A scapegoat, a substitute, a shell of what the heart’s potential is. It disgusts me, angers me and saddens me to a hopelessness. Why..? Many reasons.. I have known, seen and experienced the heart’s height of growth in Love. I have felt communion through my heart with another’s. I have cried, I have laughed, I have held someone close to me, I have fought with someone, I have understood someone, I have admitted my wrongs to someone, I have made love with someone… I have seen myself through someone. All these memories, these encounters, these timeless eternities of bliss through light and dark have been the highest experience and announcement of who I am and who we were. Yet… it’s over. Things have changed. An altered state, place, heart, mind and outlook.

I tread on with a glimmer of hope that perhaps the Heaven that was lost could be resurrected again from the ashes. A crazy dream, yet one nonetheless. I try my best to understand the Hell behind the Heaven. Its existence is given meaning through the other. I must remember this at all times as hard as it is to stop in the midst of emotion and reaction and see it for what it is. I myself am victim to what I witness in others. That emptiness, that longing for another to share yourself with, the fear to open up again with the consequence of being hurt again. Taking the bad with the good, the Hell with the Heaven. To surpass these labels would be a great accomplishment, but the only dilemma is once you’ve reached the pinnacle above Heaven and Hell.. Who is there to experience it with you..? You are alone and far far away from any who would grasp this New Union of Love.

Alas.. I am a heart in limbo…

For You.. Happy Birthday.

... there is one more gift before your day officially ends.. my Sun, young Phoenix, and as you were born, Ramon- as you understand and yourself sometimes write, there is a limit through your language that I may express my endless love and thanks for you simply being. I have sent it to you as I do and always will along with any/ all of your dreams and desires. Just ask for me and I will be there.. with you always, even beyond the end of it all as we know it. One special gift I give to you.. Ramon, know that you do not need me. I am here for you forever.. but you truly are with out need of me. You are everything you will ever "need" to be.. I love you.. shine on, Sun... grace the skies forever more...

My Dream Note

This is a list/ vision board through words of what I love to do/ be/ have in my life.

1. Art:
a. Art Instructions Lessons-- learn more skills, techniques
gain diploma/ certification, open new doors to opportunities
b. Galleries-- Make a list/ archive of completed galleries
continue to work on current gallery/ tournament of the year, "Heaven No More"
c. Create what makes me happy, what I LOVE, what makes me feel extraordinary and special.
d. Begin to build studio to teach and invite others and learn from them as well. Share, co-create new masterpieces together.
e. Begin to focus on gaining financial reward from creations, plant seeds throughout fertile grounds (ex: hang landscapes in salon, sell artwork outside)
f. Writing-- write all that you feel should surface from inside of you and place it before your eyes.
update blogs, stay consistent with updating, spreading of positive words/ meanings
Rebuild/ reopen Sanctuary.. go to your God space and connect again with the Love inside of you.
g. Visit more often places of art/ inspiration (maybe every week/ every other week to stay sharp)
h. Become a Hero in your heart and spread your dream of Love/ Heaven once more throughout the lands and in the hearts of all who are open to it.

2. Health:
a. Make a schedule/ routine involving a variety of exercises I enjoy and make me feel good/ full of energy.
b. Monitor, read up on what I eat/ when/ why/ their effects on my body, mind, soul.
c. Work/ enjoy the path towards accepting your body as it is/ what you wish it to change into and why.
d. Maybe work together/ join a partner(s) at times to share our experiences/ trials with.
e. Monitor sleep patterns/ amount of sleep and why amount is needed at certain times.
f. Record, write about experiences of losing/ regaining physical/ mental/ spiritual energy (also when I was hit w/ Alopecia, depression)
g. Talk/ write about my experiences/ trial w/ different diets/ regimes and my choice to vegetarianism

3. Wealth:
a. Remember, understand further what true wealth is and how to attain and maintain it.
b. Monitor what I gain and spend, how frequently.
c. Remember to balance both needs/ priorities as well as desires. (splurge when you can, save when it is possible, take care of responsibilities)
d. Read new books, gain new knowledge on new ways of producing wealth through means of what you love to do/ be.
e. Forgive yourself for the errors of your past/ present and any further choices you might make. Learning is gained through trial/ error often times..it is the natural process. Get up and try again.
f. Give when you can as charity to others. Help your fellow loved ones through their obstacles. Life can be challenging. Alleviating someone is very healing/ hopeful for them and for you. It also sends an enormously powerful statement of who you are in terms of wealth, empowering others.

4. Hobbies/ Fun:
a. Make time for yourself to do/ have what you enjoy so much! (ex: video games, new books, mangas, delicious foods, drawing, going out to cool places and w/ friends)
b. Stay in touch w/ your inner child. Remember the free spirit from your youth and that worry-free attitude/ perspective which allowed you to dream in the first place.
c. Be spontaneous. Do something that you normally wouldn't due to limits placed in your mind from outside fears. Fade the illusion of fear away.
d. Bring forth the imagination/ day dreaming from your inner child/ present personality into reality. Who says you can't live an imaginative life? Life is all about imagination, creation, adventure! Live a fun life!
e. Drop the illusion of judgements from others and from within you about what makes you happy. Everyone is unique and has fun in their own way. What makes you happy may not be the same for another. That's alright and perfectly natural. Variety brings endlessness.

5. My Heart
a. Rekindle the relationship w/ yourself and compromise what your heart/ mind/ soul is after.
b. Do whatever you feel is right for you to be truly and completely happy again and keep in mind that you will deal with the fear that haunts you in the idea that
you may lose it again once you regain it. Be open to understand/ learn/ remember what happiness/ love truly is.
c. Forgive yourself and others for all that you judge yourself for and the guilt that it brought to your being. Build the strength and courage to one day truly and completely let go of what doesn't serve you.
d. Go through all the buried emotions and thoughts in your heart, mind. Experience them again and again if you must. Let it all out of your system and understand why you have these emotions and why you utilize them.
e. Confront your ultimate fear: never loving or being loved again by another. Remember all that loved you and had relationships with. Be completely honest w/ yourself about you and them, why they ended and why they came to be. Find each relationship's purpose and extract the best parts/ gems from them.
f. Give up in a sense. If you do not know something or what to do next, simply stop. Go to a higher source of awareness/ knowledge/ guidance for the answer that lies within you, but that you cannot yet see due to the fog of your pains/ expectations/ judgements.
g. Understand to discern the difference between letting go and giving up. Letting go of the expectation of finding love again does not mean to stop desiring the dream of creating/ attracting love into your life again. Think back and remember/ feel how and why love came into your life each time prior to this moment.
h. Say a prayer of gratitude in advance to the acknowledgement that Love will generate again into your life and that you will find your soul mate again. She is out there perhaps thinking/ feeling the same thing.
i. If I could say something directly to the other soul which shares my own.. the one true heart that loves me unconditionally and I the same, it would be:
"There is much that I can admit I do not understand in life, but I still continue with the faith of my dream and the love of yours.. that you and I would experience the greatest feeling of being and of eternal communion with one another. You are my heart and I yours. I simply miss you an enormous deal and I yearn to have our hearts beat as one again. It hurts that you aren't here and that we are apart. All I ever wanted out of life was to live it with you.. I was my greatest when I was with you.. I just miss it so, and want it back more than anything... but only if you do too. I understand I cannot force love.. it wouldn't be true. I miss my Sun..."

Seed

I can still remember when the trees once radiated their emerald sheen throughout the azure-filled skies. Those were the days when the sun emanated its golden warmth unto our sacred Earth, a place no one could ever violate or tress pass. We shined through the day and reflected our incandescent love for one another at night through the moon’s silver visage. My oh my, were those the days. When every pedal of the daffodil blew gently into the wind, casting each wish unto the caressing breeze of our tempest hopes. I wonder if you can still smell the fragrant bliss we found in the snow white roses which froze our memories into an everlasting moment. Do you still remember how we were once lost in time? Our only concern was whether the sands of the hour glass were warm enough to cradle our feet in the Pacific winds of our sacred island. As eternal as we were, we somehow knew all too well that every dream must end, and every symphony must surrender to silence. Although the sun and moon no longer shine as one, although the night and day must part their ways, never forget the eternity of it all. Never forget when time realized its own illusion, and vanished through the waters of forgotten lore. Never forget when we dreamed the dream and danced the dance. Our timeless waltz will never be forgotten as long as the stars reserve the light of our memories. Nothing is ever forgotten or truly lost. As the seasons change from birth to harvest, so does our love reap from the fruits of our soul...

Yes, I still remember those trees. They were once filled with the spectrum of our love. And as I watched the last of its leaves linger and descend to the ground, I knew for sure that our seed was eternal.

Discord

1. Into the forge
And through the tide
That shell of mine was cast aside

2. Over the wind
And above the skies
My heart cocoons to blackened ice

3. Don thy face into my soul
Your visage is forever mine
With it my mask will dine

4. Dichotomy of chaos and order
Both absorb and reflect
Your death will be what you neglect

5. Fool, I am your Heaven and Hell
I have spawned from the dark desire
I am here to combat with my eternal fire

Twilight

1. We once were one, Sun and Moon we shined
A forbidden eclipse arrayed in the sky
We knew no limits, no boundaries thus arrived
Between us day and night was forever to our dismay
Until we realized our light met far away

2. Naturally we joined as horizon does to water
We melted through our passion; our heat, we would combust
But the time came; we realized our skies grew farther
Our love turned from passion, from fire, into an unwanted lust
We grew as cold and barren as the ashes of snow, dust to dust

3. An unbalancing thought lingered in our hearts
We had to separate to the light from whence we came
We were Sun and Moon so much alike, yet entirely different parts
One as soothing as the Sea, while the other as passionate as flame
Once separate, the Earth as we knew it would never be the same

4. Who would I shine for? there was nothing left for me here
The days would grow cold and dark while the nights black and hollow
The tides would no longer turn, the morning would bring an unknown fear
What had happened to time itself? The hour glass had none to borrow
It was empty as the hearts of those forgotten, left with nothing but eternal sorrow

5. Now the trees slowly pass, and the grass gently fades
While the Oceans lay depressed under the dark, abandoned Sky
The flowers fade their color, they digress into malice shades
The Mountains crumble, Forests fall, while the Earth wonders why
We have forever lost the true light which shined in our once destined Sky.

The Golden Fish

1.There once was a fisherman who lived by the sea
With his wife in a shack. Life was worry-free
They were as old as the ocean and as happy a wave
They made their living through whatever the ocean gave

2.One sunny morning the fisherman headed out
Down the trail to the sea, that which he knew most about
He had thrown down his net through the waters of the South
To collect some supper to fill in his mouth

3.He had observed his catch, plentiful it had been
Suddenly a sparkle caught his eye from within
He had looked through his bag and to his surprise
An astonishing sight staring him straight in his eyes

4.Amongst the regular catch of Pacific trout
Lay a golden fish, shining from tail to snout
What shocked the fisherman close to a stroke
Was nothing to compare as the fish then spoke

5. “Oh gentle fisherman who scouts the seas
Won’t you have some mercy and release me, please?
If you do so I will repay your kind deed
By granting you three wishes. Anything you desire or need.”

6.The fisherman was in shock with what he had heard
But his heart was too big, he released him without word
“Oh thank you, the fish replied. My promise I will keep
Return tomorrow morning, and I will grant what you seek.”

7.The fisherman returned to the shack and his wife
He had told her the events, which had changed his life
With such content and uncontrollable glee
The wife had decided what the first wish should be

8. “Return to this fish, and ask for what I say
I want a golden castle filled with servants by the end of the day.”
The fisherman complied, and by sunrise he returned
He was ready for his first wish, which he had earned

9. “Oh golden fish! Where are you?
I have my first wish, which I want to come true.
Come out of the waters which are ever so clear
Please show yourself, you have nothing to fear.”

10.As soon as the fisherman had spoken his plea
A golden glimmer quickly danced through the sea
"I wish for a castle as bold as you!
Filled with many servants to bid to our dues"

11. “Return to your house and prepare for a surprise
For where your shack once stood, a castle now lies
Within it your wife will shall now reign as queen
By the servants I have granted to cook and to clean”

12. “Oh thank you, kind fish! You are oh so generous!
Do not worry, your existence will remain anonymous”
“I hope I have pleased you, now return to your wife
Tomorrow you must tell me how goes your new life”

13.The fisherman returned as to his amazement
His old shack was changed from rooftop to pavement
It stretched to the skies and was grand as gold
He couldn’t believe the fish had done what he was told

14.He ran inside to greet his dear wife
But to his surprise her eyes were filled with strife
“You are dragging in dirt! Go and eat in the yard!
With the rest of the peasants who work ever so hard!”

15.Melancholic was the fisherman, but he listened to his wife
He did not wish to spoil her happy new life
After supper the wife had decided her next wish
“I must have the finest clothes. Relay this to the fish!”

16.And so the next morning the fisherman made way
To where the golden fish happily swam all day
The fisherman was sad of his wife’s mean ways
Yet with her he still wanted to spend his end of days

17. “Oh golden fish! Where are you?
I have my next wish, which I want to come true.
Come out of the waters which are ever so clear
Please show yourself, you have nothing to fear.”

18. “Hello once again! It is good to see you.
Now tell me your second wish, so that it may come true.”
"My wife feels the need to look her best
She wishes for the finest clothes, to look better than all the rest"

19. “As you wish, my good friend
If that’s what she wants, then I will immediately send
The most beautiful dresses in all the land
Sewn with the finest silk, the best of its brand.”

20. “Thank you, kind fish! You are oh so nice!
To make my wife happy I will never put a price”
And so the fisherman returned to the castle
And approached his wife, but not without hassle

21. “My dear, I am so happy to see you look so snug
All I ask for in return is simply a hug”
“A hug from you? That would dirty my dress!
Now get away and leave me so that I may rest!”

22.The fisherman was hurt. His wife was now changed
With all these new riches she was acting so strange
He had missed the very wife with who he had grown old
She used to be the sweetest gem, now her heart had turned cold

23.As the fisherman reminisced, the wife suddenly yelled
“I have decided my final wish! To the fish this you will tell:
I have all the servants to tend to my needs, and all the finest wear
Yet I yearn to taste the very scales of he who has granted this share!”

24. “Please my dear, do reconsider! The fish is my good friend!”
“How dare you speak against my word! Do this or you will see your end!”
“Yes my dear, as you wish. For you I can’t deny
Whatever your heart desires, for with you my true love lies.”

25.With saddened eyes and mopy face the fisherman took path
To see his friend one last time and have one last good laugh
He could not believe the task at hand. He dreaded this foul wish
For now he had to say goodbye to his friend, the golden fish

26. “Oh golden fish! Where are you?
I have my last wish, which must come true.
Come out of the waters which are ever so clear
Please show yourself, you have nothing to fear.”

27. “Hello my friend! I have awaited the day
To hear your last wish. Now, what have you to say?”
“Oh golden fish that is so kind! I dread I have bad news
My wife’s last wish is a terrible one. She wishes to eat you!”

28. “What shall I do? I do not wish for you to die!
You are my friend ever so dear! Oh why must things be this way, oh why?
“I wish only for your happiness! For you have been too kind
I wish things were the way they used to be. I wish time would rewind.”

29. “You wish is granted good old friend! Go home, to what you seek
From now on things will the way they used to be”
“Oh thank you golden fish! How may I repay you?
“You already have my friend by showing that your heart is true!”

30.The fisherman rejoiced as he quickly ran home
His good old shack was now restored down to every little stone
And on the porch a sight to see
The fisherman’s wife smiling back with glee

31. “Hello my dear! I truly missed you! Tell me of your ventures!”
“You would not believe my golden catch! Truly a rare treasure!”
“Tell me what is this capture? You have me quite enticed!”
“You are my treasure! My big catch! My only golden prize!

32.And so the fisherman lived happily together with his wife
He was truly thankful for to the fish for restoring his old life
But what had happened of the kind-hearted golden fish?
Some say that he lives on through the hearts of those with an honest wish…

Corona

1. Here I stand, alone again
Don’t remember how or when
All I know to be clearly true
Is the sky I bask in is no longer blue

2. It happened as quick as a gust of the wind
But the pain set too slowly and darkened within
I searched the fields of gold in dismay
Never to find my love of the day

3. She too had set as did the night
With the moon she was gone forever out of sight
I had pondered why she had turned away
I had given her too much of my very own day

4. She had longed for something more than my unconditional rays
She had prayed for the experience of the cloudy, tempest days
The gift of pure cleansing was one I could not provide
All I was capable of was unconditional light

5. I hated myself for not being more diverse
I was sick of this blessing which was now more of a curse
Together I could not be with the silver queen of night
One I could not be with the roots beneath my light

6. Who am I to be with if my light brings me no love?
For what is there to shine upon if I’m alone in the sky above?
I too have a heart, though I may not know this
For as long as I am part of love I can never know true bliss

7. I can not know what I am as long as I am whole
To know the relative within my light will now be my new goal
Perhaps I must journey far from what I know
I must venture where only God Himself has loved enough to go

Element of Greed

1. Fire, Earth, Air, and Water...
These elements breathe life yet can also bring slaughter
They bare gifts for mankind
But do not come without bind

2. Fire burns bright, illuminating the night
Its crimson hues emanate, providing warm light
Yet our curiosity bests us, we desire much more
We reach out to grab the flame but combust to the floor

3. The Forests, the trees, the flowers and weeds
All provide for us an essential need
For without the Earth there is no foundation
Yet we pollute it, bringing us devastation

4. Life begins with a breath of fresh air
The most valued essence flowing everywhere
We breathe it plenty never thinking twice
How man has contaminated it without paying the price

5. Water, behold- the Trinity of Life
The most delicate force filled with potential strife
For it bares the most diverse spirit- solid, liquid, gas
But we lust for its thirst, drowning us amass

6. Man has failed to be thankful for these gifts
The Four acknowledge betrayal as they begin to drift
Fire fades, Earth rots, Air thins, Water taints
Their wrath will now be known as Thunder soon awakes
It crashes down unforgivably, punishing those who take

The Fool

1. I am as constant as the weeks in a year
They are imprisoned by their own fear
I am as delicate as a clover in the field
Their hearts are as black as the night can wield

2. I am much desired to their dismay
They treat me as a toy, then throw me away
I am not to be compared to their eternal treasure
For in an instant they would kill me with pleasure

3. I am as clear as the shards of a diamond
Their judgment is a clouded allignment
I am as willing as an autumn leaf
They will never bend to grant me releif

4. Through the double solstice
They deny me justice
By the twin equinox
They contain me in my box

5. I am their jack to be sprung
I am their queen to be hung
I am the king they deny
I am the ace that is high

6. I am the summation of all that is
I am the alpha and omega hypothesis
My shadow casts light in the dark of the sun
I am my own brother, yet I am only one

7. You may witness a glimpse in the 13th eclipse
You may argue whether I am hers or his
I am seen in the spectrym of infinite rays
Yet your eyes dawn upon an absent gaze

8. You ignore my words and deny my truths
Yet what you behold is beyond what you knew
Your mind awakens while your body decays
Your soul is in search and in terrible dismay

9. You are now in my realm, the world of truth
Your ego means nothing neither does your sleuth
Bring your armies of thoughts and desire
For they will fall wrath to my light of fire

10. Your soldiers are not equipped to battle my tongue
In my world I am God, only my tune is sung
You will quickly see that I am far too real
You are the illusion who was dealt the wrong deal

Without my Queen

1. From pawn to King my journey has taken me
Far beyond anything my eyes could see
I was enlightened and reborn
Yet my heart still remained forever torn

2. I had ravaged through Knights and ambushed the Rooks
I had unraveled the Bishops and stole from the crooks
I had decimated armies amass
I had conquered my kingdom at last

3. Alone in my kingdom I reign supreme
I have it all except the one of which I dream
She is the glimmer in my night
The lunar rays which reflect ever so bright

4. Though I may rule over the Sun
I once was eclipsed with her as one
Together we ruled the twilight hour
Without her I will never feel that power

5. My Queen is gone; she has abandoned me
Though my days are clear, my nights I do not see
I search for her light; I yearn for her relief
Though she is not there I never doubt my belief

6. I await for the night when the clouds will part
For the night when her silver glow will warm my heart
Perhaps I am a fool to wait for her return
Alas I wait for the day our fire will once again burn

Kings & pawns

1. Rags or riches, commoner or King
My role is assigned as an underling
Pawns are we in this vast world
We are not to speak out or ever be heard

2. From breath to closure I stand black or white
Regardless of my role it is my duty to fight
I serve the King which is ever so great
I must defend and die, never hesitate

3. Many are we, we outnumber in mass
Yet we can never achieve such a high class
We have no choice into what we are born
Yet my heart, mind and soul are forever torn

4. Who chooses to elect this almighty King?
Is it destiny or a higher power that we are serving?
I can’t help but feel I don the wrong suit
I must tear away from this deeply grown root

5. Pawns are born to die, while Knights attain their honor
Bishops go with God, while Rooks forever prosper
The Queen is crowned as she lathers in her riches
And The King sits proudly, amused by his bitches

6. While you fight have you asked, for what do I die?
If you ignore this then life will surely pass you by
Why am I such an insignificant little pawn?
When I can one day rise to be King, newly born by dawn?

7. We are all pawns in this constant reality
Puppets, controlled by the hands you cannot see
While you may grow accustomed to the strings on your back
I choose to cut my threads of fate and venture an unknown track

8. I now fight not an army but a new force of will
The General called Life, as he advances towards the kill
With sword in hand and a new found desire
I ignore what I am not, as I throw him in the fire

9. Pawn am I no more; I have earned my title, sir
A warrior am I now, battling through the war
I have earned my strength and valor; here I stand a Knight
Now I need new wealth; to the Rooks I head tonight

10. I venture to the lands where nobility is abundant
To travel here without cause is utterly redundant
But I have my key to entrance, my password at the gate
The desire to be gold, for the hour is never too late

11. As they lay asleep, unconscious in this realm
Unaware the knight with reason is about to overwhelm
They lay dormant, dreaming of their stature
They have stolen enough, the piper has come for his capture

12. Knighthood I have won, and nobility I have gained
Two of the three elements, only one remains
My sword is the sharpest and my jewel the largest
To earn self-reflection I must travel the farthest

13. One level remains before I face the ruler
To ascend to his palace I must learn to be crueler
The knowledge and truth known by God’s servants
Can only be stolen through the tongue of a serpent

14. I must change my face and don my mask
For entry into Heaven is truly a hard task
I cover my horns and spread my wings
As I ascend Earth to the realm of no returning

15. Over the skies and past the horizon
Awaits the gatekeeper, as I confront him
He is of much wisdom, knowledge and light
He is truly divine, an outstanding sight

16. I expected no less, for he is the Bishop
The one in which we confine, and whom we worship
He controls the masses simply through fear
Through the laws of God, he deters those who are real

17. He may control the masses through God’s politic
But I am beyond that; I follow my own logic
For now I truly see God is nowhere to be found
God is but our life force; through our will we are bound

18. The Bishop speaks, “ You are unlike all the rest
You have discovered the truth and passed God’s test
You know well enough not to search with your eyes
Through your heart and soul you have earned my prize”

19. Unbelievable thoughts swarm through my mind
I gaze at who I was, who I have become through time
The trinity is within me; I am ready for The King
I have shattered my limits; I await what He will bring

20. May it be an army or He, himself
May it be his peasants or all his wealth
I will destroy whatever he lay in my path
For I hold the mirror and an unnatural wrath

21. The hour strikes; it may be my last
As He arrives, I remember my past
I once fought for Him never asking why
At least I have truly lived, no regrets when I die

22. I rage through his army; not a soul left alive
To confront me is death, a desired suicide
No squire or knight can hold a candle to me
My genocide is untamed, my will unearthly

23. The skies darken and the lands grow cold
As He and I are face to face; what a moment to behold
The essence of the King was beyond fascination
His aura surrounded by death and creation

24. What power to behold; it belittled every creature
Perfection was no illusion, as I beheld it in his features
His skin of gold, His blade of diamond; his very helm of stature
These would be my spoils of battle, a truly awesome capture

25. There were no words to be said, as our chilling eyes both met
I gazed through his soul; a vision I will never forget
I saw myself staring back through the shadow of his eyes
Then I knew we were the same; we were as eternal as the skies

26. The answer had finally been revealed
His true form at last, no longer concealed
Yet to my surprise what specter to behold
As I saw my reflection, my heart then turned cold

27. The very King which I had yearned to dethrone
Was the very desire which was my own
My ego and pride made it so I could not see
The only enemy was the one dwelling within me

28. The mirror was truly a treasure misunderstood
For so long I had fought for as much as I could
Through attaining my titles, strength and wealth
All I truly needed was to look within myself

29. I had discovered the truth of all reality
The only thing real is what you believe to be
For all my life I had been a pawn
Through the mirror that is all that I saw

30. I had chosen to serve instead of to learn
I had walked the wrong path with no return
But now I knew there was always a choice
There is more than one path, but there is only one voice

31. In the end it is only you who can decide
Who it is you are and where it is you reside
Do you choose to be poor or a man of great wealth?
Do you listen to others or do you know thyself?

32. The world is an illusion and your eyes a misguide
Your thoughts are more true for they hold eternal light
I am now alone in my newly found kingdom
I am now set free, at last in Heaven.

Life, the Dream

1. Passing through the stream in slumber
Absorbing the entire concept asunder
Dreaming of the light to envelop
The being in which must develop

2. I am blind to the constant illusion
There is only one true resolution
To realize in full with awareness
The power within to harness

3. The lid creeps open
The light seeps through
I begin to awake to what I hold true

4. The sphere shifts away from union
Back again to the realm of chance
Am I here by choice or is it happenstance?

5. I go and be, not knowing where or who
What is it that is false or true?

6. What to do? Where to go?
What do I trust? I don’t know.

7. I stop to conclude, I have not yet awoke.

Split Cocoon

1. Silence is the space within
Possibility is the thread spun thin
Infinity is the voice heard
Spoken is my only word

2. Encased in my cocoon
Choice will emerge soon
Frozen in the pod
My dream shall be thawed

3. Dark and Light spawn my wings
They intertwine like two rings
Eclipsed is what am I
Through Hell and Heaven I fly

4. I am neither good or bad
Nor am I distraught or glad
I am not below or above
I am simply what God is made of

Cocoon

1. The presence has awaken
The time has now been marked
To set the path and light the way
On a journey to embark

2. The goal is far away
The desire in my heart
Is closer than the breath I take
I tear myself apart

3. Much besides desire
Patience is prerequisite
The virtues acquired
Are spun to insulate

4. I am frozen
I lay dormant
I test the hypothesis
Resulting in metamorphosis

Dark Rainbow

1. Frozen… at the heart of my demise
Without hope, no one could comprise
How black the light of day
How dark my shadow cast away

2. This prismatic prison
Lacking any reason
Keeps me a dormant slave
It thaws my soul to the grave

3. No feeling left to touch
No emotion left as such
I am a corpse lost to be
My life bargained for a plea

4. Spectral vision… where do you now shine?
Reveal what little spark is still mine
Rainbow of Light… show me the way…
Behold your brilliance, relieve me of my stay

5. And so, the cry for all color was sent
Denied were they to me, my effort spent
My self-constructed Black Diamond domain
Had made it that I would surely remain

6. The great spirits of infinite hue
Could not penetrate my heart anew
The dragon of seven shades flew high
Only to be denied, refused its last try

7. From Ruby to Amethyst
Shatter did they, lost in my Mist
They disolved from my palette and sight
I Could no Longer see them. They gave their best fight.

8. Thank you for your attempt at my salvation
However, I am in desperate search for redemption
Angel of Light, Dragon of Vision
I thank you forever and now make my decision

9. Ruby- Your passion burns bright…
Forged are you now into the Crimson night

10. Amber- Your fun remains plenty
Travel down deep to the Corals of the Sea

11. Topaz- your innocence preserves
Emanate to gold, become what you deserve

12. Emerald- Your caution shall remain
Blossom into jade and fear not the pain

13. Cobalt- Your boldness stands Strong
Reach new heights as mauve. Be where you belong.

14. Sapphire- your honesty still sees clear
Toughen youself to pearl and hold truth near

15. Amethyst- Your creativity evolves
Come of age to royalty and at last resolve

16. Separate and see your Light
Recrystallize and become the night
Radiate the dark Light throughout
Emit the yang within and shine about

17. Fill this Black Diamond. Release me of its grasp
Seep your dark Light. Drown it with me at last
Overflowed by thine shades of the nether
My heart stained with your palette together

18. My prison of Black luster had shattered forever
The time to spread my wings- it was now or never
Serpents of my dark heart, arise and become
Emit thy dark rainbow, fly with me as one

19. Angel of the new dark star Kingdom
Engulfed with the new Spectral seven
Fly beyond the doubts of this land
You are the creator forever in command

20. Only you and you alone
Know who it is that has set you free
She will nought know how or admit to her gift
Only you… angel of light know her as the Dark Eternity

Black Diamond

1. I ran and ran... wondering when I would stand still
Ran and ran... simply for the thrill
I used to ask why, and for what?
Then I had abruptly slowed and stayed put

2. What had slowed my pace of intense heat?
What had halted me before this cold sheet?
This wall of ice had grown in such a way
All around it forbade me to run astray

3. Encircled within this black arctic
Imprisoned, the cold walls grew thick
It enveloped the symbol of my fire
This symbiote had frozen my desire

4. My.. pulse... slowing... deeper... deep
My remaining... spark... falling.. asleep
Cold... barren... Cocooned in sorrow
No more running... no time left to borrow

5. My demons had caught up to me
For so long I ran hoping I wouldn't see
To behold the content of my heart
There was no end, only a difficult start

6. I chose to ignore and to run
I ran into the very threads I spun
You reap what you sew
You ignore what you already know

7. Denial brings you a frozen heart
A dilemma almost impossible to thwart
There you lie immobilized throughout
Alone to contemplate of your doubt

8. The black iced heart so dark, yet clear
Your home of demise as you wither here
Alas... what is this crack you see?
Perhaps it is the truth that shall set you free...

Speed Demon

1. I ran and ran for the longest time
I ran and ran but I don't know why
Was it to reach a point of certain desire?
Or was is all and endless lie?

2. I ran through the day, I ran through the night
I ran through my will, out of sight, out of mind
The faster I went, the harder to slow
I knew not why I was running, nor where to go

3. The road never ended along with my desire
The Sun kept burning along with my fire
I ran through the days when skies were blue
I ran through the nights, my only memory of you

4. I ran through the past, an eternity never ceased
I ran toward the future, a dream never reached
Faster and faster, passing the sands of time
Faster and faster, the pace matched my rhyme

5. The farther I went, the swifter I ran
I had noticed I was still where I began
I still ran and ran, hoping for the thrill
That one day finally I would stand still.

Storm of Thought

1. As the sunlight fades and the night falls prey
I turn my head back to the thoughts of yesterday
What was thought eternal was not gauranteed
The day ended and morning surfaced much like you and me

2. There are ideas far bigger than my own
Philosophies far greater to be known
My big idea caused too much of a ripple
In the ocean of certainty which would not cripple

3. My denial proved to me that I could not see
I was more blind than those who had fought me
Their struggle, their ignorance, would be my demise
Their haven of ignorant bliss had proven them too wise

4. I had walked the path which no one could deny
Though they may argue it false, surely wasn't a lie
It was more real than any big idea
The pain brought pleasure not everyone could feel

5. A man apart, a man now learned
I now knew the way the world turned
It spun as fast as the next radical wave
Transcending all which we could not save

Sunset

1. I shine and burn toward the Earth as I turn.
I fall and get up. Many lessons do I learn.
Alas, as great as my heart burns red.
A fool am I still. I am cold. I am dead.

2. My rays have shined but to no avail,
My solar flares radiate for her my trail.
I turn and spin for all the wrong reasons.
The Moon has committed my heart into treason.

3. Eclipsed were our ideals, as black as our union.
Now I lay waste like stars in the ruin.
The time has come for me to go.
No longer will I shine. No longer will I glow.

4. It is clear that the skies no longer need me.
Therefore I must fade. My light, never will you see.
Farewell to the clouds who shadowed our love.
Farewell to the one who I once loved above.

5. Goodbye to the one who shared my light.
Goodbye to the one who made everything right.
I hope you find your new bright light.
For I must go now, and forever set into the night.

Voyage

1. My Captain, this message is for you
May it reach the deepest oceans blue
These words forever dorm with me
At last will they shine for us to see

2. Gentle waves of cerulean past
Caress my memory of you last
Incandescent are my visions of you
They kinder my heart and hold through

3. Your perseverance matched Poseidon
It cleared the sea and our path within
To raise the sails of hope and glee
While navigating towards destiny

4. I know of a time when you and I were one
Sailing under the goldenrod sun
Rays of glimmer shined throughout the waves
Reflecting unconditionally all that you gave

5. I know of a time when you and I were one
Drawing our dreams and having great fun
Our sketch was as free as our will
It was as sacred and pure as a child’s thrill

6. Back and forth are my memories of you
They rock impermanent as the ocean waves do
My Captain, My Father, your role was truly grand
You taught me till the end, till your last stand

7. Alas, the greatest lesson was to be known
The sea had brought us a gauntlet to be thrown
Its rage was unmatched and abrupt
It was determined to conflict and interrupt

8. Life’s challenges pain us mysteriously
Often ignored is how they work marvelously
They are the missing links to the whole
When seen they are what heal the soul

9. For many years I wondered why you left
Why you allowed the sea to commit its vilest theft
Why did you submit to the will of the storm?
Why did you give in and fall into dorm?

10. That night as the mass broke
So did we draw our final stroke
You looked to me for your final word
Though not spoken it was loudly heard

11. It echoed as loud as the sirens of the sea
The message solely meant to be heard by me
It was only I who knew the words of the captain
You had taught me to always listen within

12. Fear not what you do not see
Your heart will forever beat with me
Allow the storm to cycle through
Let me pass to the Heavens Blue

13. My dear son, do not fear
Though I am gone I am always here
Through your dreams I am manifest
It is in your hands that I lay rest

14. And so my last sight of you
Was of all that you were sinking through
Down to the depths of the clear abyss
To the depths of my heart in which I miss

15. Without you I did not know
Who I now was or where to go
The only choice was to submit
I looked rage in the eye and let it hit

16. Our ship was torn
My body worn
The vessel constructed
Had self-destructed

17. The storm was far beyond any rage
It took my Captain’s life as wage
Its beads of rain bolted fast and hard
Relentless, they pelted down like iron shards

18. Drifting along the endless black canvas
I no longer knew what to make of this
With all the colors of my drowned palette
Our painting was ravaged bit by bit.

19. Where to swim to? Where to land?
I was wrecked and at my last stand
Washed up ashore along with my pale hues
My only vision now were my very own blues

20. A child with no more mentor
A mate with nothing sent for
Why was I so cursed to be?
Without you here I could no longer see.

21. What was there left to create?
With whom was I to navigate?
Alone was I to redesign a spectrum
Alone was I to sail without him.

22. Many moons had passed in and out of phase
For too long I had fallen into a maddened craze
Idol time is the worst indeed
For it will implant a deadly seed

23. It roots are born of rage and regret
Its stems are sprout from what you don’t forget
Agony and Sorrow are its blossoming woes
And at last you are devoured by the deathguise of its crows

24. The only way to uproot this vile beast
Is to unleash your potential and say the least
Search far within the cabin of your soul
Reconstruct thy ship and sail towards your goal

25. Memories of us are required for foundation
Along with hate and love which is for recreation
For when combined they form the light of passion
Rekindled again they illuminate with fashion

26. And so I set new sails of buoyancy
Along with a new coat of seasoned decree
A crew of one, a captain for two
My destination was to forever remember you

27. Onward, Endeavor…merge once more with the blue
Eternally lit we shall find Him and sail through
No matter what storm or mist block our sail
We will pierce through its heart this time, without fail

28. Days pass and grow, just as the waves do
They turn into months, mimicking the tides anew
Time seemed to span to the ends of the horizon
When and where would I finally know you from within?

29. As I lay my light of question
The oceans darkened without hesitation
At long last I was face to face with the demon
My trial was now, my chance to truly be a Seaman

30. The black whirlpools hastened into dark vortex
Cyclonic frenzy was formed and cast as a hex
Symphonic violence wailed through the wind
The Leviathan had launched all it could bring

31. I battled through incredible gusts and rain
To stabilize the ship I had to summon all my pain
My love and appreciation are remembrance of you
With these sails I had managed to pull through

32. I had reached the wheel and grasped it well
Alongside with you, we would steer through this Hell
We held on with all of our intent
And with it back to the abyss the creature was sent

33. We had done it. We survived the storm
We surpassed what we could not long ago
The Endeavor emerged form the shroud of the storm
Ready to set sail where it had not been before

34. My captain, you had never left me
Though you had passed I was blind to see
Your lesson was elaborate for it had hidden meaning
To build myself alone as Captain was the only way of becoming

35. Your sacrifice was one of pure heart
Its bottled message traveled incredibly far
It reached the very catacombs of my mind
Though I thought you were lost you were always there to find

36. And so the Endeavor sailed toward a new guiding light
Among our tears of glimmer we would not get lost tonight
The Ocean’s Seven Seas united as one
Once again enchanting the adventures of a father and son

37. As the last stroke was painted and the final words saved
Our picture was complete and our legacy engraved
I hear you loud and I see you well.
My Captain, My Father, My All…I thank you deeply and at last bid you farewell.

Dedicated to my father.. my teacher, my inspiration, my guide, my spirit. I love you. See you again, old phoenix..

One Year

1. One year.. endless memories
Such little time.. too fast to see
One year.. felt like a century
So much life.. from you and me

2. Up and down, in and out
Rise and fall, within and without
Loss of love, loss of way
Finding home, being lead astray

3. Celebration and joy this year
Full of love, confronting your fear
Falling from the top of your pinnacle
Feeling immortal, only to become cynical

4. So many paths on the road spread before
Losing what was mine, making it yours
Flying to the top I stumbled
Claiming my kingship, I was humbled

5. Intentions mistaken, feelings shattered
Spirits exposed, hearts battered
Dreams traveled, lives remembered
Passion ignited, strength weathered

6. Fears arose and darkness faced
Knowledge tested, beliefs misplaced
Light was challenged, its purity
Brilliance was shrouded, could no longer see

7. What lies ahead for the new era?
Are we apart, or are we together?
Is it death, or will we live forever?
Ultimately I shall awaken the Dragon of Nether.