Heart in Limbo

I look into the mirror of my heart.. It has expanded into a kaleidoscope of what I was and what I may be. Hope and disappointment are the halls of its infinite corridors. Both intermingle in an intertwined relationship of falsehood and attachment. What was once thought to be pure and an untouchable essence of Love is now tainted on the outskirts by the invaders of doubt and assumption. These invaders have overthrown my vision and tortured its sight to one of resentment and hatred. I look at the world.. I look into the eyes of countless hearts and souls.. I see emptiness. I see repetitive, unoriginal fear.. A fear in all that is not embraced but avoided and denied. In its place.. A scapegoat, a substitute, a shell of what the heart’s potential is. It disgusts me, angers me and saddens me to a hopelessness. Why..? Many reasons.. I have known, seen and experienced the heart’s height of growth in Love. I have felt communion through my heart with another’s. I have cried, I have laughed, I have held someone close to me, I have fought with someone, I have understood someone, I have admitted my wrongs to someone, I have made love with someone… I have seen myself through someone. All these memories, these encounters, these timeless eternities of bliss through light and dark have been the highest experience and announcement of who I am and who we were. Yet… it’s over. Things have changed. An altered state, place, heart, mind and outlook.

I tread on with a glimmer of hope that perhaps the Heaven that was lost could be resurrected again from the ashes. A crazy dream, yet one nonetheless. I try my best to understand the Hell behind the Heaven. Its existence is given meaning through the other. I must remember this at all times as hard as it is to stop in the midst of emotion and reaction and see it for what it is. I myself am victim to what I witness in others. That emptiness, that longing for another to share yourself with, the fear to open up again with the consequence of being hurt again. Taking the bad with the good, the Hell with the Heaven. To surpass these labels would be a great accomplishment, but the only dilemma is once you’ve reached the pinnacle above Heaven and Hell.. Who is there to experience it with you..? You are alone and far far away from any who would grasp this New Union of Love.

Alas.. I am a heart in limbo…

For You.. Happy Birthday.

... there is one more gift before your day officially ends.. my Sun, young Phoenix, and as you were born, Ramon- as you understand and yourself sometimes write, there is a limit through your language that I may express my endless love and thanks for you simply being. I have sent it to you as I do and always will along with any/ all of your dreams and desires. Just ask for me and I will be there.. with you always, even beyond the end of it all as we know it. One special gift I give to you.. Ramon, know that you do not need me. I am here for you forever.. but you truly are with out need of me. You are everything you will ever "need" to be.. I love you.. shine on, Sun... grace the skies forever more...

My Dream Note

This is a list/ vision board through words of what I love to do/ be/ have in my life.

1. Art:
a. Art Instructions Lessons-- learn more skills, techniques
gain diploma/ certification, open new doors to opportunities
b. Galleries-- Make a list/ archive of completed galleries
continue to work on current gallery/ tournament of the year, "Heaven No More"
c. Create what makes me happy, what I LOVE, what makes me feel extraordinary and special.
d. Begin to build studio to teach and invite others and learn from them as well. Share, co-create new masterpieces together.
e. Begin to focus on gaining financial reward from creations, plant seeds throughout fertile grounds (ex: hang landscapes in salon, sell artwork outside)
f. Writing-- write all that you feel should surface from inside of you and place it before your eyes.
update blogs, stay consistent with updating, spreading of positive words/ meanings
Rebuild/ reopen Sanctuary.. go to your God space and connect again with the Love inside of you.
g. Visit more often places of art/ inspiration (maybe every week/ every other week to stay sharp)
h. Become a Hero in your heart and spread your dream of Love/ Heaven once more throughout the lands and in the hearts of all who are open to it.

2. Health:
a. Make a schedule/ routine involving a variety of exercises I enjoy and make me feel good/ full of energy.
b. Monitor, read up on what I eat/ when/ why/ their effects on my body, mind, soul.
c. Work/ enjoy the path towards accepting your body as it is/ what you wish it to change into and why.
d. Maybe work together/ join a partner(s) at times to share our experiences/ trials with.
e. Monitor sleep patterns/ amount of sleep and why amount is needed at certain times.
f. Record, write about experiences of losing/ regaining physical/ mental/ spiritual energy (also when I was hit w/ Alopecia, depression)
g. Talk/ write about my experiences/ trial w/ different diets/ regimes and my choice to vegetarianism

3. Wealth:
a. Remember, understand further what true wealth is and how to attain and maintain it.
b. Monitor what I gain and spend, how frequently.
c. Remember to balance both needs/ priorities as well as desires. (splurge when you can, save when it is possible, take care of responsibilities)
d. Read new books, gain new knowledge on new ways of producing wealth through means of what you love to do/ be.
e. Forgive yourself for the errors of your past/ present and any further choices you might make. Learning is gained through trial/ error often times..it is the natural process. Get up and try again.
f. Give when you can as charity to others. Help your fellow loved ones through their obstacles. Life can be challenging. Alleviating someone is very healing/ hopeful for them and for you. It also sends an enormously powerful statement of who you are in terms of wealth, empowering others.

4. Hobbies/ Fun:
a. Make time for yourself to do/ have what you enjoy so much! (ex: video games, new books, mangas, delicious foods, drawing, going out to cool places and w/ friends)
b. Stay in touch w/ your inner child. Remember the free spirit from your youth and that worry-free attitude/ perspective which allowed you to dream in the first place.
c. Be spontaneous. Do something that you normally wouldn't due to limits placed in your mind from outside fears. Fade the illusion of fear away.
d. Bring forth the imagination/ day dreaming from your inner child/ present personality into reality. Who says you can't live an imaginative life? Life is all about imagination, creation, adventure! Live a fun life!
e. Drop the illusion of judgements from others and from within you about what makes you happy. Everyone is unique and has fun in their own way. What makes you happy may not be the same for another. That's alright and perfectly natural. Variety brings endlessness.

5. My Heart
a. Rekindle the relationship w/ yourself and compromise what your heart/ mind/ soul is after.
b. Do whatever you feel is right for you to be truly and completely happy again and keep in mind that you will deal with the fear that haunts you in the idea that
you may lose it again once you regain it. Be open to understand/ learn/ remember what happiness/ love truly is.
c. Forgive yourself and others for all that you judge yourself for and the guilt that it brought to your being. Build the strength and courage to one day truly and completely let go of what doesn't serve you.
d. Go through all the buried emotions and thoughts in your heart, mind. Experience them again and again if you must. Let it all out of your system and understand why you have these emotions and why you utilize them.
e. Confront your ultimate fear: never loving or being loved again by another. Remember all that loved you and had relationships with. Be completely honest w/ yourself about you and them, why they ended and why they came to be. Find each relationship's purpose and extract the best parts/ gems from them.
f. Give up in a sense. If you do not know something or what to do next, simply stop. Go to a higher source of awareness/ knowledge/ guidance for the answer that lies within you, but that you cannot yet see due to the fog of your pains/ expectations/ judgements.
g. Understand to discern the difference between letting go and giving up. Letting go of the expectation of finding love again does not mean to stop desiring the dream of creating/ attracting love into your life again. Think back and remember/ feel how and why love came into your life each time prior to this moment.
h. Say a prayer of gratitude in advance to the acknowledgement that Love will generate again into your life and that you will find your soul mate again. She is out there perhaps thinking/ feeling the same thing.
i. If I could say something directly to the other soul which shares my own.. the one true heart that loves me unconditionally and I the same, it would be:
"There is much that I can admit I do not understand in life, but I still continue with the faith of my dream and the love of yours.. that you and I would experience the greatest feeling of being and of eternal communion with one another. You are my heart and I yours. I simply miss you an enormous deal and I yearn to have our hearts beat as one again. It hurts that you aren't here and that we are apart. All I ever wanted out of life was to live it with you.. I was my greatest when I was with you.. I just miss it so, and want it back more than anything... but only if you do too. I understand I cannot force love.. it wouldn't be true. I miss my Sun..."

Seed

I can still remember when the trees once radiated their emerald sheen throughout the azure-filled skies. Those were the days when the sun emanated its golden warmth unto our sacred Earth, a place no one could ever violate or tress pass. We shined through the day and reflected our incandescent love for one another at night through the moon’s silver visage. My oh my, were those the days. When every pedal of the daffodil blew gently into the wind, casting each wish unto the caressing breeze of our tempest hopes. I wonder if you can still smell the fragrant bliss we found in the snow white roses which froze our memories into an everlasting moment. Do you still remember how we were once lost in time? Our only concern was whether the sands of the hour glass were warm enough to cradle our feet in the Pacific winds of our sacred island. As eternal as we were, we somehow knew all too well that every dream must end, and every symphony must surrender to silence. Although the sun and moon no longer shine as one, although the night and day must part their ways, never forget the eternity of it all. Never forget when time realized its own illusion, and vanished through the waters of forgotten lore. Never forget when we dreamed the dream and danced the dance. Our timeless waltz will never be forgotten as long as the stars reserve the light of our memories. Nothing is ever forgotten or truly lost. As the seasons change from birth to harvest, so does our love reap from the fruits of our soul...

Yes, I still remember those trees. They were once filled with the spectrum of our love. And as I watched the last of its leaves linger and descend to the ground, I knew for sure that our seed was eternal.

Discord

1. Into the forge
And through the tide
That shell of mine was cast aside

2. Over the wind
And above the skies
My heart cocoons to blackened ice

3. Don thy face into my soul
Your visage is forever mine
With it my mask will dine

4. Dichotomy of chaos and order
Both absorb and reflect
Your death will be what you neglect

5. Fool, I am your Heaven and Hell
I have spawned from the dark desire
I am here to combat with my eternal fire

Twilight

1. We once were one, Sun and Moon we shined
A forbidden eclipse arrayed in the sky
We knew no limits, no boundaries thus arrived
Between us day and night was forever to our dismay
Until we realized our light met far away

2. Naturally we joined as horizon does to water
We melted through our passion; our heat, we would combust
But the time came; we realized our skies grew farther
Our love turned from passion, from fire, into an unwanted lust
We grew as cold and barren as the ashes of snow, dust to dust

3. An unbalancing thought lingered in our hearts
We had to separate to the light from whence we came
We were Sun and Moon so much alike, yet entirely different parts
One as soothing as the Sea, while the other as passionate as flame
Once separate, the Earth as we knew it would never be the same

4. Who would I shine for? there was nothing left for me here
The days would grow cold and dark while the nights black and hollow
The tides would no longer turn, the morning would bring an unknown fear
What had happened to time itself? The hour glass had none to borrow
It was empty as the hearts of those forgotten, left with nothing but eternal sorrow

5. Now the trees slowly pass, and the grass gently fades
While the Oceans lay depressed under the dark, abandoned Sky
The flowers fade their color, they digress into malice shades
The Mountains crumble, Forests fall, while the Earth wonders why
We have forever lost the true light which shined in our once destined Sky.

The Golden Fish

1.There once was a fisherman who lived by the sea
With his wife in a shack. Life was worry-free
They were as old as the ocean and as happy a wave
They made their living through whatever the ocean gave

2.One sunny morning the fisherman headed out
Down the trail to the sea, that which he knew most about
He had thrown down his net through the waters of the South
To collect some supper to fill in his mouth

3.He had observed his catch, plentiful it had been
Suddenly a sparkle caught his eye from within
He had looked through his bag and to his surprise
An astonishing sight staring him straight in his eyes

4.Amongst the regular catch of Pacific trout
Lay a golden fish, shining from tail to snout
What shocked the fisherman close to a stroke
Was nothing to compare as the fish then spoke

5. “Oh gentle fisherman who scouts the seas
Won’t you have some mercy and release me, please?
If you do so I will repay your kind deed
By granting you three wishes. Anything you desire or need.”

6.The fisherman was in shock with what he had heard
But his heart was too big, he released him without word
“Oh thank you, the fish replied. My promise I will keep
Return tomorrow morning, and I will grant what you seek.”

7.The fisherman returned to the shack and his wife
He had told her the events, which had changed his life
With such content and uncontrollable glee
The wife had decided what the first wish should be

8. “Return to this fish, and ask for what I say
I want a golden castle filled with servants by the end of the day.”
The fisherman complied, and by sunrise he returned
He was ready for his first wish, which he had earned

9. “Oh golden fish! Where are you?
I have my first wish, which I want to come true.
Come out of the waters which are ever so clear
Please show yourself, you have nothing to fear.”

10.As soon as the fisherman had spoken his plea
A golden glimmer quickly danced through the sea
"I wish for a castle as bold as you!
Filled with many servants to bid to our dues"

11. “Return to your house and prepare for a surprise
For where your shack once stood, a castle now lies
Within it your wife will shall now reign as queen
By the servants I have granted to cook and to clean”

12. “Oh thank you, kind fish! You are oh so generous!
Do not worry, your existence will remain anonymous”
“I hope I have pleased you, now return to your wife
Tomorrow you must tell me how goes your new life”

13.The fisherman returned as to his amazement
His old shack was changed from rooftop to pavement
It stretched to the skies and was grand as gold
He couldn’t believe the fish had done what he was told

14.He ran inside to greet his dear wife
But to his surprise her eyes were filled with strife
“You are dragging in dirt! Go and eat in the yard!
With the rest of the peasants who work ever so hard!”

15.Melancholic was the fisherman, but he listened to his wife
He did not wish to spoil her happy new life
After supper the wife had decided her next wish
“I must have the finest clothes. Relay this to the fish!”

16.And so the next morning the fisherman made way
To where the golden fish happily swam all day
The fisherman was sad of his wife’s mean ways
Yet with her he still wanted to spend his end of days

17. “Oh golden fish! Where are you?
I have my next wish, which I want to come true.
Come out of the waters which are ever so clear
Please show yourself, you have nothing to fear.”

18. “Hello once again! It is good to see you.
Now tell me your second wish, so that it may come true.”
"My wife feels the need to look her best
She wishes for the finest clothes, to look better than all the rest"

19. “As you wish, my good friend
If that’s what she wants, then I will immediately send
The most beautiful dresses in all the land
Sewn with the finest silk, the best of its brand.”

20. “Thank you, kind fish! You are oh so nice!
To make my wife happy I will never put a price”
And so the fisherman returned to the castle
And approached his wife, but not without hassle

21. “My dear, I am so happy to see you look so snug
All I ask for in return is simply a hug”
“A hug from you? That would dirty my dress!
Now get away and leave me so that I may rest!”

22.The fisherman was hurt. His wife was now changed
With all these new riches she was acting so strange
He had missed the very wife with who he had grown old
She used to be the sweetest gem, now her heart had turned cold

23.As the fisherman reminisced, the wife suddenly yelled
“I have decided my final wish! To the fish this you will tell:
I have all the servants to tend to my needs, and all the finest wear
Yet I yearn to taste the very scales of he who has granted this share!”

24. “Please my dear, do reconsider! The fish is my good friend!”
“How dare you speak against my word! Do this or you will see your end!”
“Yes my dear, as you wish. For you I can’t deny
Whatever your heart desires, for with you my true love lies.”

25.With saddened eyes and mopy face the fisherman took path
To see his friend one last time and have one last good laugh
He could not believe the task at hand. He dreaded this foul wish
For now he had to say goodbye to his friend, the golden fish

26. “Oh golden fish! Where are you?
I have my last wish, which must come true.
Come out of the waters which are ever so clear
Please show yourself, you have nothing to fear.”

27. “Hello my friend! I have awaited the day
To hear your last wish. Now, what have you to say?”
“Oh golden fish that is so kind! I dread I have bad news
My wife’s last wish is a terrible one. She wishes to eat you!”

28. “What shall I do? I do not wish for you to die!
You are my friend ever so dear! Oh why must things be this way, oh why?
“I wish only for your happiness! For you have been too kind
I wish things were the way they used to be. I wish time would rewind.”

29. “You wish is granted good old friend! Go home, to what you seek
From now on things will the way they used to be”
“Oh thank you golden fish! How may I repay you?
“You already have my friend by showing that your heart is true!”

30.The fisherman rejoiced as he quickly ran home
His good old shack was now restored down to every little stone
And on the porch a sight to see
The fisherman’s wife smiling back with glee

31. “Hello my dear! I truly missed you! Tell me of your ventures!”
“You would not believe my golden catch! Truly a rare treasure!”
“Tell me what is this capture? You have me quite enticed!”
“You are my treasure! My big catch! My only golden prize!

32.And so the fisherman lived happily together with his wife
He was truly thankful for to the fish for restoring his old life
But what had happened of the kind-hearted golden fish?
Some say that he lives on through the hearts of those with an honest wish…